Good bye, cruel blogosphere

Just kidding! Well, I’m half kidding, in the tradition of the half bear/half cat that is our mighty mascot at the University of Cincinnati! The blogosphere is not cruel, at least not to me – although from what I hear some quite hurtful gossip is often published about celebrities. But I am saying goodbye.

Like Ken Tremendous at “Fire Joe Morgan,” I have parlayed the wildly successful, uh, success of my blog into a TV sitcom deal. Actually, my show will be very similar to his. His show is called “Parks and Recreation,” and it’s a mockumentary (like “The Office”) about all the zany goings-on in some small town’s Parks and Recreation Department (see left – although this is not the actual logo from show, because I don’t want to get sued).

Anyway, my show is going to be called “Planning and Zoning” (see below) and it’s also going to be a mockumentary. Except get this- it’s going to be a MOCKUMENTARY OF A MOCKUMENTARY! How crazy is that?!? So instead of being about the zany goings-on in some small town’s Planning and Zoning Department, it’s going to be about the zany goings-on that happen behind the scenes as a film crew films the zany goings-on in some small town’s Planning and Zoning Department! WRAP YOUR FUCKING MIND AROUND THAT!!!

So, look for my show on a TV set near you, and thanks a lot for all your support of my blog over the years! Maybe after my show has had a nice long run like MASH or Seinfeld I will return to the blogosphere to extol the virtues of my beloved Bearcats. Except by then, it’ll be way in the future so there will probably be some crazy thing that has replaced blogs, like people will think stuff about a topic (such as Cincinnati Bearcats football) and then flying cars will read their minds and fly to the houses of all the people who care about that topic and those people will hear about the stuff directly from the flying cars. Til then!


December 24, 2009 at 3:54 pm Leave a comment

Welcome to the newest member of the Bearcats blogosphere!

Just a quick note to encourage all my faithful Bearcubkittens to check out the newest Cincinnati Bearcats blog – looks like great stuff. As you’ll notice, the blogger who blogs this new blog is a much better blogger than me. He seems to really know his shit, and he also blogs about Bearcats b-ball (see right), which I do not, since this is strictly an unofficial Cincinnati Bearcats football (see left) blog, as it clearly specifies in the main nav. But that’s cool – if experience has taught me anything, there can never be too many Cincinnati Bearcats blogs! Here’s the link – pay a visit and “holler at” him:

December 12, 2009 at 12:52 pm Leave a comment

It’s official, Cincinnati is a stepping-stone job

By now you’ve probably heard that our beloved Brian Kelly has left the “Queen City” and our fine institution for Notre Dame and South Bend, Indiana. First, let me say WTF is with all our head football coaches leaving for schools in the Midwest? What’s wrong with the Big East and our big, eastern brand of pigskin?

What’s that you say? Cincinnati is technically located in the Midwest and not the East? Well take a look at the name of our conference, smartass! And stop making me ask you all these rhetorical questions.

Anyway, I don’t really care that Brian Kelly left. Yes, we’ve done very well under him but I never really got too attached. He just got here three years ago, for one thing, and before that I was completely unaware of his existence on Planet Earth. He was at Central Michigan for three years and previously he worked for a while at a place called “Grand Valley State,” which is apparently a college in Michigan. So he’s been moving steadily up the ranks and now he’s got the most prestigious job in college football, and based on the recent track records of ND coaches his career will be ruined within five years.

So those are my parting thoughts on Brian Kelly. As for the Cincinnati head coaching job, enough with this being a freaking career stepping-stone already! Someone needs to come along and stay a good long time here and have lots of success and make the Cincinnati job a destination, not a stop on the way to bigger and better things.

And just who is the man to do that? Turner Gill and Skip Holtz (ironically, because his ultimate goal was to follow in daddy’s footsteps at ND, right?) are being mentioned, and I’m sure they’d both do a great job… for a few years. Then they’d move on to the next rung on their ladders (<—–metaphor!) as they continue their respective climbs to the top of the college football coaching world. No offense to these two gentlemen, but I just don’t see them staying at Cincy long-term.

We need a man with direct ties to the University of Cincinnati – a man who bleeds Bearcat blood when he cuts himself on something. Also, this man should have prior head coaching experience and at least two national titles. And it just so happens that there’s a candidate out there who fits all these criteria. His name? You guessed it: Urban Meyer.

Here’s my plan: Since we’re going to be seeing Urban Meyer at the Sugar Bowl soon anyway, we can trick him into getting on Cincinnati’s bus instead of Florida’s bus after the game. We can hire this actor, who is presumably looking for work at the moment, as a decoy. ———————->

His name is Matt McCoy, and he basically took over for Steve Guttenberg in the “Police Academy” movies once they got to #5 or so. Doesn’t he look like Urban Meyer?!?

December 12, 2009 at 3:53 am Leave a comment

Don’t throw your career away, Brian Kelly! Plus: week 3

I saw some stuff on the World Wide Websites today about things “heating up” between ND and Brian Kelly, so I just want to implore Coach K one more time: Don’t throw it all away like this! ND is career poison!

That being said, it’s time once again for my ongoing analysis of how Texas doesn’t deserve to play in the BCS title game and Cincinnati does. Obviously we need a playoff system for college football, but in the meantime I will vent my frustration by tearing down the Longhorns. (BTW, not many people know this but the “Longhorn” mascot originally referred to unicorns. Then UT moved from their original home, a fantasy castle in the sky, to Austin and switched to the current mascot which is a cow with long horns.)

Anyway, our game-by-game comparison of Cincinnati’s and Texas’ seasons continues with week 3:

Cincinnati 28, Oregon 18 – Before I begin my keen analysis, keep in mind this game was played AT Oregon St., making our triumph all the more… triumphant. The Beavers (see left) finished #18 in the final BCS rankings and third in the Pac-10 (their conference wins included Stanford and at Cal). They’ll face BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl, which is kind of a misnomer since the game is actually played in Wisconsin. Just kidding.

Halfway across the country…

Texas 34, Texas Tech 24 – The “Red Raiders” had a decent year and in fact won at Nebraska a month after this game was played. They finished 8-4 and will play Michigan State, which is coached by a certain former acquaintance of ours, in the Alamo Bowl. HOWEVER… Texas Tech isn’t even ranked in the BCS final top 25. Why am I citing BCS rankings to help make my point when the whole idea of this exercise is to prove these very same rankings are wrong about Cincinnati? Because I’m a complicated man and no one understands me but my lady!

Obviously the edge this week goes to our very own Cincinnati Bearcats.

Rankings: Texas *yawn* stayed at #2 in both polls while Cincinnati moved up to #14 AP/ #15 USA Today. WE’RE CLOSING IN ON YOU, TEXAS! CAN YOU FEEL THAT HOT BEARCAT BREATH ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK?!?

December 9, 2009 at 12:53 am 2 comments

Brian Kelly is a great man and I hope he wouldn’t take a dead-end job like ND

I mean, look what’s happened to the last couple coaches they had. Ruined! Charlie Weis will never eat lunch in that town… oh, who am I kidding? He’ll eat lunch (see right) wherever he wants to, probably five times a day for the rest of his life. But you get my point.

The man who has led our Bearcats to a place somewhere near the top of the college football world deserves better, but if he’s offered the ND job and takes it then I wish him well. I appreciate all he’s done for Cincinnati, but this program’s been on the rise for years and no one can stop our momentum now! How many people thought we’d come crashing back to earth after Dantonio left? I didn’t, but a lot of people probably did.

If Brian Kelly leaves for ND, I trust the excellent football coach hirers at Cincinnati to replace him with another coach of awesome caliber. My only regret will be that the BCS screwed Coach K out of a chance at a national championship. That’s right, BCS – in case you haven’t heard, I don’t like you!!!

December 8, 2009 at 5:26 pm Leave a comment

BCS = Breakdown of Cincinnati’s Superiority (week 2)

Oops, I did it again! I just came up with another alternate meaning for BCS. At this rate I’m going to win my own contest! That’s why you should enter (see rules two posts below this one) before I come up with even more BCS zingers and there aren’t any left for you to think of.

Anyway, I hope you’ve been chilling since our last episode. To recap, I am going game-by-game to show how Cincinnati had a more impressive season than Texas and thus is more deserving of playing Bama for the BCS title. Obviously it would be better if we had a playoff system so all these discussions would be moot, but that doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon so I choose to focus my energies on disparaging Texas.

Without further ado, I give you week 2:

Cincinnati 70, Southeast Missouri State 3 – Okay, so this was kind of a warm-up game. SMS, as I will call them for short, is in the Ohio Valley Conference, which is in Division 1-AA. But with the 12-game college football schedule of today, every D-1 team pretty much has to play at least one 1-AA team. And these 1-AA teams are no joke – remember App State vs. Michigan? Of course you do.


Texas 41, Wyoming 10 – This game was at Wyoming, which finished the year 6-6 and fifth in the Mountain West Conference. In the MWC, the Cowboys (see left) lost to all the teams with winning records and beat all the ones with losing records. Apparently they’re playing Fresno State in some kind of “bowl” a week from Saturday.  Blah, blah, blah.

You win this round Texas! But don’t get used to it.

Rankings: After these wins, Texas stayed at #2 in both polls (starting to see a pattern here!) while Cincinnati moved up from #23 in both polls to #17 (AP) and #21 (USA Today). HERE WE COME, TEXAS! CAN YOU HEAR THE BEARCAT FOOTSTEPS?!?

December 8, 2009 at 12:54 am Leave a comment

Why Cincy deserves to be in the BCS title game more than Texas: a win-by-win breakdown (week 1)

“We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.” How many times have you said that? I don’t think I’ve ever said it, because I like having conversations of all kinds, but I’ve heard that saying before.

Anyway, we shouldn’t even be talking about why Cincinnati is a more worthy opponent than Texas to play Bama in the BCS title game, because we all know the college football championship should be decided on the “gridiron” through a playoff system. Cincinnati would surely prevail in these “playoffs” this year, but we’re never going to have a chance to find out because… well, you know why. All reasonable people know the BCS system should be replaced with an 8-team playoff and all the arguments have been made “ad nauseam.” So instead of offering a constructive solution like that, I am going to take a different approach: tearing down Texas.

On a game-by-game basis, I will prove to the world what we Bearcat fans already know, which is that Cincinnati is a superior football team to Texas and deserves to be playing Bama for the national title. How do I know all this knowledge I’m about to drop? It’s called “research”! First up is week 1:

Cincinnati 47, Rutgers 15 – Granted Rutgers padded their record by playing a bunch of patsies this year (not including us, of course!) but they also beat UConn, who was pretty good this year, and then-#24 USF. And this game was AT Rutgers. They probably have some sort of home-field advantage there. Anyway, Rutgers finished 8-4 and is headed to their fifth consecutive bowl. Three of their four losses were to teams that finished in the BCS final top 25. The other loss was to Syracuse, which… has a proud tradition. I mean, did anyone see “The Express”?!?

On the other hand…

Texas 59, Louisiana-Monroe 20 – Louisiana-Monroe finished 6-6 and third in the Sun Belt conference (which is actually in Division 1, it might surprise you to learn) and recently announced they’re letting their coach go. GREAT FREAKING WORK TEXAS!

Rankings: In the week 1 rankings, Texas remained at #2 in both polls, where they were ranked in the preseason. Cincinnati, which was one of the “Others Receiving Votes” in the preseason, climbed to #23 in both polls. THE BEARCATS’ TRIUMPHANT MARCH TO A PLACE SOMEWHERE NEAR THE TOP BEGINS!

December 7, 2009 at 5:07 pm Leave a comment

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